At times I feel like I may be making my way
into a great future you know? Like if there was no other way things could turn
out to be but just magnificent, positive, full of joy and great experiences and
achievements. But some other times I don't really know what I'm looking for. I
don't really know where my passion is, where I should direct all of this
creative and powerful energy proper from my youthful years. It is as if I had
the feeling of having it all, of having the chance to make something
significant out of my life but for some reason not knowing which path to
take. Because if I take path A, I may regret not having taken path B... but if
I take path B y may regret not having taken path A and C and D. And all of them
are screaming my name; they are all trying to convince me about being the right
one. But... which one is the right one? I don't know... sometimes I don't even
want to know. Oh! and for the record, yes... this is about my election for a
career. Nothing new, I know. I am not the first or last one having to deal with
this. I am not the only person in the world finding it hard to make up my mind
about such a thing. But still... it feels as if I was the only one facing this
much trouble. And on top of it I know I am not going to find the solution by
writing on this blog. But it feels... ok to do it. At least I feel I gave
myself the time to think about it during the day, because when I don't, when I
am not searching in the web for info. from universities and stuff I feel
guilty, as if one little voice in my head was scolding me for not being a
serious person who is concerned about her future. It is so frustrating. I feel
a minute that passes by without giving be a glimpse of an achievement, is a
wasted minute. And of course... all of these leads to a the person I am. No...
no, no. All of these actually leads to the person I have become. The girl who
envies some people she shouldn't (not that it is ok to envy anyone), the girl
who thinks by writing down lists and lists of things she "will" do on
vacation to feel productive is actually a good way to be it. The girl who
believes she must be the center of attention to be able to say "I did
it". The girl whose fear is stronger than her will. I am not this
girl... I am not.
This time I am actually going to give myself
time not to write about what I am going to do about it, what I am going to do
to try to solve this and finally get over the fear. Because I've done it before
and I prefer writing about it when it is already done. I really don't want it
to be just written somewhere io the internet but not being taken to
action.
